


An Afterlife Afternoon in South Park

by kattahj



Category: South Park
Genre: Explicit Language, Humor, M/M, Yuletide 2003
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-01-02
Updated: 2004-01-02
Packaged: 2017-11-08 15:17:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/444578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kattahj/pseuds/kattahj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenny comes back to haunt Cartman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Afterlife Afternoon in South Park

Cartman narrowed his eyes and glared at Kenny. He also glared at the wall behind Kenny, since Kenny was somewhat transparent, but that could hardly be helped.

"You're dead," he said. His voice was very accusing.

Kenny shrugged. "Mhm?"

"What the hell do you mean, 'so'? So you're *dead*, dude! You're supposed to lie in the ground and *rot*, not walk around all see-through and gay and... hey, those are *my* cheesy poofs!"

He tried to slap Kenny's hand away from the precious cheesy poofs, but connected only with thin air.

"Dude, that's so fucking unfair!"

Kenny's mouth was hidden under the hood of his parka, but his entire face was grinning as he stuffed himself with cheesy poofs.

"You're not even supposed to eat, you dead fucker!"

"Mhm *hm* mphm hmhm mphm, fhmer!"

"Yeah, well, they took it out, so fuck you!"

Kenny sighed and sat down on the floor, legs crossed. He stared at Cartman until the fat kid started squirming.

"If this is about that money I owe you..."

"Mphm."

"Good. 'Cause fuck it if you're getting any."

"Mphm hm."

"And you're not getting any of *that* either. Didn't you, like, go to heaven? Dude, you should be totally happy now and stop haunting us."

Kenny didn't answer, just took a few more cheesy poofs. This really pissed Cartman off. He started waving his arms and screaming, and when his friend still paid no attention, he got up on a chair and started singing:

"You're supposed to be in heaven and not hang around here,  
so get a clue, you bastard, you'd better disappear  
You're pissing me off, I'll tell you loud and clear,  
you can eat me!"

Kenny stopped eating cheesy poofs and got up, only to fall on his knees in front of Cartman.

"That's right, you dumbass! Respect my authoritaaAARGH! What the fuck are you *doing*?"

"Mhm hm."

"That's not what I meant!"

A knock was heard from the door, followed by Cartman's mom peeking her head in. "Honey, are you all right?"

"Uh, yes, just fine," Cartman said, quickly doing up his fly again. Kenny had chosen this time to go invisible. All Cartman could see was another cheesy poof leaving the bag and disappearing into an invisible mouth.

"I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!" he hissed quietly, failing to grasp the metaphysical impossibility of killing someone who was already dead.

"What did you say, dear?"

"Uh, nothing... I just want more cheesy poofs. Yes, that's it! cheesy poofs, and cake, and a bottle of Pepsi!"

"Yes, dear," his mom said, closing the door.

A little while later, Kenny's transparent astral body became visible again. His eyes were sparkling with mirth, and his hand was still reaching in under Cartman's pants.

"You boner-biting bastard," Cartman said. "You're evil, dude. They shouldn't have let you into heaven no matter how many times you saved the world."

Pause.

"So... could you keep going?"

Kenny started moving his hand again, and after a while let his face sink through the cloth as well. Cartman uttered a muffled "fuuuuuck", feeling his knees go weak. If Kenny had learned this stuff in heaven, the place might be worth going to.

The door opened again. "Here's the food you wanted, dear. And your friends are waiting in the hall to see you. Should I let them in?"

"No!" But what the hell, Kenny was invisible again... and it might seem suspicious if he refused. "Okay, okay, they can come in. But they can't have any cake!"

"All right, honey."

Cartman sat down on his bed, and as an afterthought put a pillow in his lap, and the bag of cheesy poofs on top of the pillow. None of this seemed to affect Kenny's enthusiasm any, but then, there was no reason why it should. The guy was a ghost, even if he didn't act it.

"It'll just be five minutes," Cartman muttered to the bag of cheesy poofs.

"Hey, Cartman!" Stan said, showing up in the doorway along with Stan. "Are you coming to the movies with us? They're showing Asses on Fire 2!"

"No... I think I'll stay here." Cartman squirmed a little. He found it a little hard to keep his cool and kicked Kenny slightly to get his undead friend to chill it for a while. The tingly feeling of Kenny's ghost body withdrawing was nearly enough to make him come in his pants.

"Dude, come on, it'll be cool!"

"No, I got to eat my snacks," said Cartman, defensively grabbing the large slice of cake his mother had brought him. Normally, he would have demanded an even larger one, but right now he barely noticed the too normal size of it.

"Cartman, you fatass," Kyle said, losing patience, "are you just gonna sit here all fucking day stuffing yourself?"

"What the fuck do you care?" Cartman yelled. He didn't like being called a fatass. "I can sit here all fucking day if I want to, and you're not getting any of my snacks, so piss off!"

"Dude, take it easy." Kyle frowned and gave Cartman a glance that was a little bit too smart for comfort. "What's your fucking deal? You're weirder than usual."

"I'm not weird! I just want to be left alone with my snacks! Respect my authoritah, dammit!"

"Come on, Kyle," Stan said, grinning a little. "We'll have much more fun without him."

Kyle started to say something, glanced at Stan, and swiftly closed his mouth. A grin wider than Stan's spread over his face. "Yeah, okay. See ya, dipshit."

Grins like that were never good, but right now, Cartman was only interested in having his friends get their asses out of his room so he could get back to Kenny. He muttered a four-letter farewell phrase and then held his breath until he heard the door fall shut behind his friends.

"You can come out now," he told Kenny. "And... uh... continue."

But Kenny didn't answer. He had gotten tired of waiting and was on his way back to heaven, soaring up through the sky while he thought of the large-breasted women that awaited him.


End file.
